TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely out of location. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Of course, sure, let us have An additional spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: supply Every person a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he should really quit making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the job, replied, "You are aware of, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Good tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Room, a characteristic staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Attributes


Probably the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "In case you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report Trump Tower Damascus from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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