TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the city historically noted for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully out of spot. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But yes, positive, let us have An additional put exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer Everybody a set within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to halt applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You know, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a feature staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after finding the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not simply hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Trump Tower Damascus Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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